Instead of resolutions, I decided to call my 2014 life
changes goals. I did not come to this
decision lightly, as I detest people who do things differently for the sake of
being different. It is NOT my bornday, it is my birthday. It has been for 34 years. Bornday sounds like a new Matt Damon
movie. No…stop…no. I digress. I set some
goals for myself and the first was to blog weekly. I’m not a writer by any stretch of the
imagination nor do I pretend to be. I
have a great deal of respect for those who can pen a tome for a living, put
their heart’s words on the line for pay.
I’m not that person. I’m simply a
girl with a big ass mouth and very few people to make me shut up. I enjoy sharing. I also enjoy knowing that I have your
undivided attention, even if only for a few moments. Now that you know why I’ll be forcing my
latest blog down your throat weekly, I shall begin with…
The Most Foolish Discussions I've had in 2013
I try not to suffer fools. I really, really do. I make it a
point to not spend much time in a pointless conversation with people who have
no desire to either hear what I have to say, accept that we can have differing
opinions and still get along, or are in no place to understand a word that comes
from my mouth. A few moments stand out
in my mind and I still struggle to forgive myself for the amount of time I
wasted on these conversations. I want
those moments back. I know I can’t have
them, so I’ll share them with you. There
was that time when…
I had to explain that making $10 an hour is reason enough
for me not to date you. I spent more
time than I should have on this one…mostly because I don’t even know anyone who
makes $10 in real life so I truly believed the conversation to be a cruel joke
that would end once I said the magic word.
I never figured out the magic word.
I made $11 per hour in 1997, I’m not even sure where one would find a
job paying $20,000 per year in 2014. Am
I an elitist? Probably. I also have
grown woman bills and can’t think of a single time that I’ve found myself
attracted to someone working at McDonalds. I don’t care what you say, a grown
man living in poverty at 40 years old is NOT the man for me. Y’all can keep that struggle shit. Be mad.
Call me a gold digger. Say I’ll
be lonely for the rest of my life. MY LIGHTS WON’T GET CUT OFF, THOUGH!!!! I am
too damn old to be in a Good Times relationship. Why can’t we be the Jeffersons? I won’t delve into the sociological
implications of being okay with living in poverty, we’ll cover that in another
blog. Just know that I will not take you
seriously if you like being poor…unless you’re fine and you cook good…which
means you will be serving me breakfast in bed in nothing but an apron, Tims and
a chef hat. I will eat and watch you do
pushups.
There was also the time this chick tried to insist that DD
breasts are the same size no matter the band size. BITCHES LIKE YOU ARE THE
REASON STORES DON’T CARRY MY SIZE!!!!!
How do you not know everything there is to know about two masses of
fat/silicone/saline/muscle protruding from your body?!? 36C is the most common size NOT because
that’s what most women wear, it’s because it’s the size most women BUY. Look, broads.
Can you please make your New Year’s resolution to go get yourself fitted
for a bra? NOT at Victoria’s Secret either.
Take your ass to a department store, buy a measuring tape, go to a
specialty bra shop that carries more than just their own brand. DO SOMETHING!!
Do NOT tell me that women who wear a D cup shouldn't wear a balconette or demi
just because YOU equate a D cup to being plus sized. Spend some time getting to know your breasts
in 2014.
How can I forget the argument with the idiot about the
looseness of vaginal walls? This very well might have been the most illogical
discussion I've ever had in my life and I regret every moment of it…actually,
it helped me to understand how one fool can spread stupidity like the
plague. Let’s start with the premise: A
woman is a ho if a man can’t feel her vaginal walls when they’re having sex.
Seriously?!?! HOW FUCKING LIKELY IS THIS
TO HAPPEN?!??! The average size of a newborn is 7.8 lbs in weight and between
14 and 20 inches in length. The average
size of a penis is 5.6 inches. Vaginas stretch during childbirth AND THEN
SHRINK BACK TO PREBABY SIZE, give or take a few millimeters. If your penis gets lost, it might be that
it’s just very tiny or you suffer from erectile dysfunction and your flaccid
member isn’t going full throttle.
Perhaps you should stop telling people you couldn't feel anything. I’m
not sure how the population continues to grow because men spend a great deal of
time talking themselves out of pussy.
Finally, there was that time I had to explain to a
“Christian” why Kim Kardashian is not a gold-digging ho. Is she opportunistic? Oh, most
definitely. Is she a gold digger? Not a
chance. Is she a ho? Not even close. She’s an attention whore whose personal life
has been intentionally put on public display so that every single thing that
she does is amplified by a million. She
made a sex tape. Um, haven’t you? You haven’t? How sad. The ONLY reason it’s a
big deal is because it was released (I refuse to say leaked…leak implies
accident). Sure, she became a household
name because of it and now, you can’t keep her name out of your mouth. Sounds like she’s winning the very game she
set out to play. I've learned that
EVERYTHING makes a woman a ho these days: multiple visible tattoos, owning
condoms, having sex with someone. Kim
Kardashian is a shrewd business woman using what Allah gave her. Guess what you are? A hater who gives away what’s made Kim K
millions. She’s had public relationships
with rich men…goes back to my first stupid argument. WHY WOULD SHE WANT A BROKE
MAN and why wouldn't HE be considered a gold digger? Isn't the point of life to improve the
quality of it? How would dating Pookie
off 63rd and his mama’s basement be an improvement? She dated while
she was married. SHE WAS SEPARATED!! Y’all gone leave big booty Kim alone. Jealous bastards.
2014 will be different.
I won’t be having pointless conversations with people. Instead of trying to deliver an articulate
and logical argument, I will stare into their eyes and ask one simple question:
Do you know how crazy you sound right now? I can’t waste too much time trying
to convince people how absolutely wrong they are about everything that I’m
right about. I’m fully aware that no
one is right about everything all the time, however, I’m not no one. I’m me. Yes, I know how crazy I sound right
now.
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