Four things you really want to know about black people, but are too afraid to ask.

Dear White People,

According to my "Why do/are/can't black people..."google search, you have unanswered questions. I was pretty sure that when Barack Obama became president, a lot of these things would be magically cleared up. I was wrong. It seems as though many of you still have pressing concerns and are afraid to ask the black guy at work for fear of being called racist.  Fear not, for you are probably not a racist...or you are, but you are so offended by race being mentioned to you when you do or say something racist, you ignore the overly sensitive person who always has to bring race into it. I'm here to help you out. I will answer those burning questions you're too afraid to ask your Black Friend, however, I need answers to my questions about your people. 

1) Why do black people love fried chicken?

First of all, WHO DON'T LOVE FRIED CHICKEN?!?!? Why it's still a racial stereotype is beyond me because Colonel Sanders is definitely a white. At some point, fried chicken and watermelon became synonymous with black Americans and began to be used as an insult. It is offensive to us because, usually, making a black people love fried chicken joke is meant to be offensive. I know, I know. It was a joke. Nah, it wasn't. We don't all love fried chicken no more than all Polish people like pierogies. 

My question: Why do white people eat so much mayonnaise? Also, why do y'all try to act like Miracle Whip ain't the same damn thing?

2) Why don't black people tip?

Once upon a time, black people were not allowed to eat in the same restaurants as white people. Later on in history, a nationwide chain of diners was sued because of their systematic mistreatment of black customers. For every news story you see about discrimination at restaurants, there are thousands of unreported incidents of shitty service from waitstaff. I took a friend out for dinner in a pretty expensive restaurant and was treated so poorly by my server that the couple at the table next to us took notice and asked if they could do anything to help...good old white folk, here to save the day. After I reported the server's insolence to the manager, the couple backed me up and told him that they too were disgusted by the waiter's behavior (he was fully capable of attending to their dining needs without a problem).  The jackass was reprimanded and will more than likely blame me and not his shitty attitude for his troubles. Many of us go into restaurants expecting poor service because we're black. Many servers view a table of black guests as not worth their trouble and refuse to put forth the same effort they'd give a table of white guests. Not all black people don't tip. Not all servers treat black guests poorly. Both sides feel justified in their actions, but one came before the other. If it makes you feel better, white people are bad tippers, too.  Pretty sure "Saczynski" isn't a last name that goes with Jamal and Keisha. And look at the rich, white celebrities. What's their excuse?

My question: Why do white people bring their nasty ass dogs to restaurants?

3) Why are black people so loud?

One day, while at work, a woman I later discovered to be a Senior Executive, sat in her office space for the day and proceeded to scream her entire conversations with everyone she called for the entire day WITH HER DOOR WIDE OPEN...a door that could be closed. She was white. Every single day, my coworkers talk loudly about trivial topics, stand next to the cubicles of people who are clearly working and have water cooler talk, and walk through the office continuing conversations with people that are walking away from them. I AM THE ONLY BLACK PERSON IN MY OFFICE!!! Hate to break this to you, white people, but black people are no louder than any other race. If I was behaving in the same manner as my coworkers with another black person, someone would take notice and complain, contributing our volume to our race. Being the minority, anything I do stands out, and preconceived notions about black people begin to apply, no matter how baseless they are. Black men are thugs, black women are welfare queens and unfortunately, in the minds of some, stereotypes will always be attached...so...perhaps, the black person you think is loud isn't actually being any louder than the white person with whom they're speaking. Or, maybe you just should stop ear hustling.

My question: Why do white people take urban (black) slang and run it into the ground? (See: bling)

4) Why can't black people swim?

Once upon a time, many black people could swim and many white people couldn't. The end...but not really. When white people realized how much fun it was, like rap and rock and roll, they misappropriated it...yes, really. Jim Crow laws and segregation created whites only beaches and pools. If you can't get in the water, how can you learn or teach your children to swim? Fast forward 50 years (Yes, we are only 50 years removed from "Whites Only" signs and not removed at all from lingering racial hostilities) and you have generations of black people who can't swim, can't teach their children to swim, and still have no access to water and lessons. Please don't point me in the direction of "programs" that can help; swimming lessons - even when they are free - can be costly to poor families: equipment, transportation to lessons (how many pools are in the hood?), swimwear. It has nothing to do with buoyancy, body type, or any of the other foolish ass reasons I see on the internet. Black women may not like getting our hair wet, but that just means we wouldn't choose swimming as an activity whilst trying to maintain a particular hairstyle, not be the reason many of us are unable to swim. Plain and simple, history is the root of many black people being unable to swim.

My question: Why do white people clap on the 1 and 3, or even worse, EVERY SINGLE COUNT!?!?! 

If you're in a good mood, google: "why do black people..." and prepare to be offended.  You'll be treated to lovely sites like niggermania.com (I refuse to link that shit on my page) and questions like "Why do black people smell bad." (It's badLY, dumbass)  Honestly, I didn't realize that so many ignorant people in this world existed...although, they DO preface their ignorance by saying they have black friends, so it's okay.  I decided not to even acknowledge the questions clearly asked by savages who need to return to their country of origin. I won't tell you why you can't say nigga/nigger/niggaz or why all black men want white women or all black women wear weaves.  I won't dignify questions that are clearly an attempt to troll.  A quick google search will let you know that we are far from being a post-racial society and...that white people ask some really dumb ass questions...

Unless they want to know why they're so smart and beautiful...

Tales from the Cubicle

How can I put this nicely? Working in an office is not my favorite activity.  If I were to put it in words that I would actually say, it would go something like this: The cubicle life fucking sucks.  I hate this shit.  I wanna go home.  I wake up every morning dreading having to leave my comfortable bed to sit in a spinning chair that I can't spin in because apparently, adults shouldn't spin around and scream "Weeeee!!!!!!!!" WHY IN ALL FUCKS DOES IT SPIN THEN!?!?!?!  I love my job.  I love my career.  I love what I do and I'm growing fond of my coworkers but this office shit is for the birds.

1) There are germs EVERYWHERE!!!

I spent the first part of my career in a classroom full of snotty nosed creatures who came to school with disgusting colds.  I decide to give that all up only to find out that these disgusting children grow up to become disgusting adults. STAY YOUR SICK ASS AT HOME!!!!  We get a ridiculous number of days of PTO.  We can do our jobs remotely. People still show up looking like walking death infecting half the office through the recycled air we're forced to rebreathe.  I keep a big ass bottle of Purell and Clorox wipes but my next step is wearing a face mask.  I avoided illness for nearly three years while I was uninsured (OBAMACARE BITCHES!!!!) and two weeks after I start working from the office, both my child and I get the flu. I call bullshit. Truly, as an HR professional, I blame managers who penalize people for using their sick days.  STAY YOUR SICK ASS AT HOME!!!!

2) People really steal lunches.

I seriously thought this was an urban legend, but there are people who will walk their asses into the break room, open the refrigerator and grab the first thing that's available.  I was a victim. I wanted to walk around to every single desk and check every single trash can to find the piece of shit who stole my Lean Cuisine panini.  Who the fuck does this?  How do you sleep at night knowing that you've eaten food that very well may contain someone else's saliva...which is what will be going into every item I put into the refrigerator from now on.  I also decided to label my food. hashtag: passive agressive

3) I'm one social event from becoming the Black Friend

I'm the only black person who comes into the office everyday.  Well, there's me and the cleaning lady...who I haven't seen in a while...hmmm...holy crap!!  There could only be one of us and she had to go...damn.  That's fucked up.  Anyway, everyone needs a Black Friend.  We're really cool.  We're great dancers.  We know slang.  Plus, we make it okay for people to say racist things. "I'm not a racist.  I have black friends!"  So far, so good.  No one has asked to touch my hair...yet. I'm pretty sure things will change when I get my summer braids. Sigh...

4) Bodily functions are no longer controlled by my body's needs

I've spent the past 2 1/2 years being able to fart and shit when I want and my body is NOT happy with these office constraints. How in the hell do you people do it?!?!  My bowels are very regular and they're about to stage a coup against me.  Yesterday, I tried to leave the office to go pass gas out where no one would know it was me and of course, someone asked me where I was going.  I had to quick-lie and say CVS and of course the bitch needed to get cotton balls and potato chips and vaseline so she jumped up and went with me.  I just want to be at home where I don't have to use toilet paper on the seat and I can go with the door open so I don't have to pause my music.  Speaking of music...

5) You can't do shit but listen when your song comes on

I have a Jodeci playlist on Pandora.  Currently, What About Us is playing.  No body rolls.  No singing.  No funk face.  No nothing.  All I can do is sit here and listen to them sing "Shooby doo wop shoo doo wop I wanna love you" and I CAN'T JOIN IN!!!!  In my opinion, listening to music is a participation sport that requires your en...holy fucks!!!  Roni just came on!!!!  I can't even do the rap at the end!!!! Bobby Brown deserves to have his music sang loudly!!! So. Much. Sad.  I've taken to singing behind my hand but that doesn't hide the faces I make when my joint is on, nor does it keep me from looking like I'm about to have a seizure because my body goes into autoroll.  I think I may have to start listening to Beethoven or something.

I need to convince someone to let me work from home again.  I think I would be much more productive without all of these distractions...

20 Questions to Ask Yourself in 2014

Every day, I strive to become a better person than the day before.  This is very difficult, as I'm a pretty awful person as demonstrated by my previous post. I'm in a constant struggle to adjust my behavior to make it suitable for social interaction but it seems that some people are under the very incorrect impression that their flaws are acceptable and that everyone else should accept them, too. Nah, son. That's not how this works, you really need to make sure your life is right or at least improving. Don't worry, I'm joining you.  Here are 20 questions you (I) need to ask regularly ask yourself (myself) to keep your imperfections in check and be a better person

1) Do I sound crazy right now?

When you're having a discussion with someone and they look at you like you're crazy, you've probably said something irrational, illogical, or just plain nutballs. I get this look all the time. I'm learning how to stop myself before it happens, then write it down for a future blog post.  It usually makes sense after I write it down and tweak it for others to understand. 

2) Am I doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result?

You do realize this is the very definition of insanity, right? Do you want to lose weight but eat the same foods? Do you want to meet new people but go to the same places? Do you want a promotion but do just your job, nothing more, nothing less? If you want something to change, THEN SOMETHING HAS TO CHANGE!!! 

3) Am I really that nice of a guy?

Nice guys don't finish last. Pushovers do. Being a nice person is just that, nice. What else can you bring to the table besides good manners? Name one job where being nice is a requirement...I'll wait...THERE AREN'T ANY!!! How many times have you encountered a worker who wasn't very pleasant so you complain to their manager, come back to the same place six months later AND THEY STILL WORK THERE!?!? No one cares how nice you are because 9 times out of 10, you're probably not all that nice in the first place. 

4) Why don't I have any female friends?

Some women love to brag that they don't have any female friends. You, ma'am, are the problem. Being a good friend knows no gender so it's quite likely that you're an asshole. No, really. It's you, not them. 

5) What do I want to be when I grow up?

Perhaps you've found the perfect career and want to be an optometrist until the day you die. More likely than not, you will grow bored of kids cheating on their eye exams because glasses are cool now and want to drop kick every dipshit that comes into the office refusing to believe they need bifocals. It might be time to move on. You don't have to drop thousands on a new degree (like I did). Take some classes, find out if your current employer allows internal transfers, get a hobby. If you love your field, mentor newcomers, learn new techniques, teach a class but NEVER STOP GROWING!

6) When was the last time I used/wore this?

A friend of mine gives me a year. I say two. Longer than that? Throw/give it away. 

7) What have I done for someone else without the expectation of reciprocation?

Quite simply, are you doing things for others just because? Are you teaching your children that there's more to life than what someone can do for them? It feels good to do nice things for others and if it doesn't, go seek help. You might be a narcissist. 

8) Where am I going next?

Get up and go! Take a weekend trip. Go to that exotic locale. Don't waste your sick days on actually being sick. Plan a vacation and go see something new. If no one wants to go with you, go alone. Just. Go. 

9) What will I read next?

Oh. So you don't read. It's probably why you don't know the difference between you're and your and why you think it's an escape goat. Read a fucking book.

10) Am I talking about it or being about it?

The same wise friend from before once said that everyone knows eating right and working out equals weight loss but unless you actually eat right and work out, talking about it is meaningless. Words without action will get you nowhere. 

11) What's my status?

In 2014, no one should be unaware of their HIV status. Get tested. Now. 

12) If I die tomorrow, who is in charge of deleting my hard drive?

My best friend knows she better be on the first plane to Chicago handling my affairs which include shredding every page of my journal, smashing my cell phone, and destroying everything in my top right dresser drawer. 

13) Do I need to call a professional?

Therapist. Attorney. Plumber. Mechanic. Therapist. Therapist. THERAPIST. 

14) Do I have time for this? 

Additionally, how can I make time for that? There are 168 hours in a week. Are you using each of them wisely? What tasks can you delegate to others to give yourself more time? Budget your time like you budget your money. They're the same thing, right?

15) Does my (relationship, friendship, job, body etc.) make me happy?

Life is too short to be miserable with things you can change. Nearly every problem has a solution and if you can't figure it out yourself, there's someone else who can. Calm the hell down and ask somebody for help.

16) Am I too old for this?

With age should come wisdom...so stop doing the same dumb shit you did when you were in your teens and twenties. Sorry, but it's time to stop shopping in the juniors department. Adult clothes don't come in odd sizes so no, you don't wear a size 7, you 36 year old woman. If you have to get your suit off the rack, at least have it tailored and take that 100% wool tag off the sleeve. You're also too old to: get pregnant on accident, fight in the club, and post twerk videos. Act your age...you know the rest.

17) Will these small purchases keep me from getting the big thing that I really want?

A running joke among Target shoppers is going in for toilet paper and coming out $300 poorer. STAY AWAY FROM THE RED TAGS!!! At some point, impulse buys hinder your ability to do things you really want to do: buy a house, go on a fabulous vacation, get new boobs. Saying no to the little things means you can say yes to the big things. 

19) Do I really like this bitch?

We tend to hold onto friendships long past their expiration dates. Call it nostalgia, but no one wants to end a 20 year friendship even when it should have ended 19 years ago. Sometimes, it's best to end things on a grown apart note. If you don't, you may end up hating someone you once loved dearly. 

20) How will I feel afterwards?

Do you really wanna look through that phone? Take that 6th shot? Have sex without that condom. Eat that Big Mac. Ask that question? I'm all for living in the moment but adulthood is about consequences...and knowing them before you act. Whatever you do, understand that you might find a text from her other boyfriend. You might get a DUI. You might contract an STD. You might gain weight. You might hear no when you wanted a yes. Be prepared for the outcome.    

I ask myself a lot of questions, I tend to talk to myself...often. Shut up, it's normal. I'm far from perfect and so are you and so is he and so is she. It isn't that difficult to admit this to ourselves but doing something about it is where we tend to fall short. It's ok to want to do better. Promise. 

Five Things I Really, Really Love

Disclaimer: I was about to post about Richard Sherman but decided that I wanted to keep my blog a happy place and not cuss anyone clear the fuck out so I proceeded with my previously planned post instead.  Happy Hump Day!!

So far, my postings have been lists...I promise that won't always be the case, but as I was considering topics for this week, I kept coming up with ideas that involved me complaining about things that bother me.  I don't want to be that person this year, so I decided to shift my focus for at least this post...I can't give you sunshine and rainbows all year long mostly because bitches be pissing me off and shit but I'll try for this week.  Today, I'm a happy camper and I want to share what makes me feel good. *hint: It's not bacon...well, it is...just not on this list.

1) Making plans

I LOVE TO PLAN SHIT!!!  Give me an event, a theme, and a budget and I will plan the shit out of it down to the very last detail.  Vacations, parties, and grocery lists are treated with the same care.  Most of this stems from my need to be in control of everything and my inability to not buy stuff.  I currently have a Mardi Gras themed birthday party and a vacation to Morocco in the works.  I don't know why I don't do this for a living...probably because I get bored easily and my child would starve when I decide planning stuff isn't what I feel like doing right now.

2) Inside jokes

A friend of mine can say "27 seconds" and I will laugh like a fool.  We are the only two people who know what it means and it makes me feel really good to share a secret with someone.  Inside jokes are the best thing to ever happen to friendships and I'm juvenile enough to find comfort in laughing at something other people don't know.

3) Dresses and open toed shoes

I have 54 pairs of open toed shoes.  I have maybe 7 pairs of boots.  I know I live in Chicago.  I know I can get more wear out of boots than a peep toe stiletto.  I DO NOT GIVE A SHIT.  I also have more dresses than sweaters. Who gon' check me?!?!?  If you invite me to an event where dresses are an option, I'm buying a new one. I have enough dresses and shoes to outfit a freshman class of girls for their high school homecoming dance...in a small town, of course. Look at my happy smiles!!!

DRESSES AND TOES!!!

4) True Crime Shows 

I can get away with murder. Like, literally. I've watched enough Investigation Discovery to pull off the perfect crime. I've seen every episode of Snapped. I can pinpoint where everyone goes wrong and know exactly how to avoid these pitfalls. Fortunately, I'm not a sociopath, but if I had slightly less emotional connection to others, I'd totally be a serial killer...one who never gets caught. Jen the Ripper. 

5) Popping pimples

I will extract the shit out of your blackheads so don't fall asleep anywhere near me if you've got untreated acne. I've got a medicine cabinet full of facial treatments and tools: Biore strips, benzoyl peroxide, scrubs, masks...giggety. I swear I get all tingly at the sight of a perfectly ripened zit ready for me to squeeze. It's gross but I don't care. I'm popping. 

This list was pretty difficult to narrow down...I had to leave off the obvious things: sex, bacon, wine, beer, football, Gouda. I love all of those things...I should do this again. I love a lot of shit.

Ten Trifling Facts About Me

My best friend vowed to keep me laced in topics so she sent me a video called 10+ Triflin Facts Abt Me by the hilarious Jouelzy. I am NOT trifling so of course, I was offended...nah...she's right, this topic is absolutely perfect as I am trifling as shit. I have no qualms about it, qualms are for punk ass bitches. Instead, I embrace my trife, try to do better, and hope God forgives me when I inevitably fail.

1) I report posts as spam or inappropriate if I think it's stupid, we go together and too many chicks like it, or I just don't like you. 

DO NOT JUDGE ME!! You're just mad you didn't think of it first. I know I could block or unfollow but no one asked you for your mature, unpetty solution.

2) I intentionally antagonize churchfolk when they start acting all high and mighty about their Jesus and church and salvation and the bible and stuff. 

I grew up a COGIC kid. I know The Lord. I love Him just as much as the next sinner but when churchfolk start acting up, I find it quite amusing to go all atheist on their asses. 

3) I also antagonize my mother-un-law. 

She's a crazy person. She deserves it. My favorite move is to say something I know will set her off then remain eerily calm and logical whilst she screams and rants and whines, then respond to her using my soothing kindergarten teacher voice.  It's pretty awesome.

4) I'm a certified scofflaw. 

My car has been booted more times than I should ever admit. I never pay meters. I park in tow zones. Permit parking? If I live in this city, why should I have to pay to put my car on it's streets. I hid my car in my driveway, parking lots, and valets for two years on the boot list. The Department of Revenue can eat a fat one. 

5) I'm mean to children and animals. 

Pets can't talk and kids don't understand when I'm insulting them. Now you know not to ask me to be your sitter. 

6) If you DO leave your child in my care, I WILL allow them to do whatever they want. 

Fruit snacks and milkshakes for breakfast? Jump off the couch onto a pile of pillows? Write on the walls? Scary movies? Yeah, I'm not saying no to anything they ask. 

7) I used part of my savings to buy new boobs instead of paying off my car a year early.

Just in case you were wondering, my breasts are both silicone and stunning. 

8) I wash my dishes on an as needed basis. 

And by "as needed" I mean my kid is tired of eating her cereal from a cup and with a fork or the stench is so horrendous, I'm worried the smell will seep into my pores every time I walk into the kitchen. 

9) I have taught my child the 5 second rule to which she firmly adheres.

Yes...I let her eat Skittles off the floor so take your damn shoes off when you come into my house.

And finally...

10) I blamed Santa for eating all of my daughter's oatmeal raisin cookies. 

I sneaky ate an entire bag over the course of a week and on Christmas Day, I left the empty package on the table for her to find. Yes. It was premeditated.

I could probably list a million more trife ass things, which makes me both sad and proud at the same time.  I'm pretty comfortable with my imperfections...I try to do better but the petty keeps calling me back.  Question is: Are you comfortable with your trifling ways? Tell me, what is one trifling fact about you?  If you leave a comment, I'll try...um...promise not to judge.