20 Questions to Ask Yourself in 2014

Every day, I strive to become a better person than the day before.  This is very difficult, as I'm a pretty awful person as demonstrated by my previous post. I'm in a constant struggle to adjust my behavior to make it suitable for social interaction but it seems that some people are under the very incorrect impression that their flaws are acceptable and that everyone else should accept them, too. Nah, son. That's not how this works, you really need to make sure your life is right or at least improving. Don't worry, I'm joining you.  Here are 20 questions you (I) need to ask regularly ask yourself (myself) to keep your imperfections in check and be a better person

1) Do I sound crazy right now?

When you're having a discussion with someone and they look at you like you're crazy, you've probably said something irrational, illogical, or just plain nutballs. I get this look all the time. I'm learning how to stop myself before it happens, then write it down for a future blog post.  It usually makes sense after I write it down and tweak it for others to understand. 

2) Am I doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result?

You do realize this is the very definition of insanity, right? Do you want to lose weight but eat the same foods? Do you want to meet new people but go to the same places? Do you want a promotion but do just your job, nothing more, nothing less? If you want something to change, THEN SOMETHING HAS TO CHANGE!!! 

3) Am I really that nice of a guy?

Nice guys don't finish last. Pushovers do. Being a nice person is just that, nice. What else can you bring to the table besides good manners? Name one job where being nice is a requirement...I'll wait...THERE AREN'T ANY!!! How many times have you encountered a worker who wasn't very pleasant so you complain to their manager, come back to the same place six months later AND THEY STILL WORK THERE!?!? No one cares how nice you are because 9 times out of 10, you're probably not all that nice in the first place. 

4) Why don't I have any female friends?

Some women love to brag that they don't have any female friends. You, ma'am, are the problem. Being a good friend knows no gender so it's quite likely that you're an asshole. No, really. It's you, not them. 

5) What do I want to be when I grow up?

Perhaps you've found the perfect career and want to be an optometrist until the day you die. More likely than not, you will grow bored of kids cheating on their eye exams because glasses are cool now and want to drop kick every dipshit that comes into the office refusing to believe they need bifocals. It might be time to move on. You don't have to drop thousands on a new degree (like I did). Take some classes, find out if your current employer allows internal transfers, get a hobby. If you love your field, mentor newcomers, learn new techniques, teach a class but NEVER STOP GROWING!

6) When was the last time I used/wore this?

A friend of mine gives me a year. I say two. Longer than that? Throw/give it away. 

7) What have I done for someone else without the expectation of reciprocation?

Quite simply, are you doing things for others just because? Are you teaching your children that there's more to life than what someone can do for them? It feels good to do nice things for others and if it doesn't, go seek help. You might be a narcissist. 

8) Where am I going next?

Get up and go! Take a weekend trip. Go to that exotic locale. Don't waste your sick days on actually being sick. Plan a vacation and go see something new. If no one wants to go with you, go alone. Just. Go. 

9) What will I read next?

Oh. So you don't read. It's probably why you don't know the difference between you're and your and why you think it's an escape goat. Read a fucking book.

10) Am I talking about it or being about it?

The same wise friend from before once said that everyone knows eating right and working out equals weight loss but unless you actually eat right and work out, talking about it is meaningless. Words without action will get you nowhere. 

11) What's my status?

In 2014, no one should be unaware of their HIV status. Get tested. Now. 

12) If I die tomorrow, who is in charge of deleting my hard drive?

My best friend knows she better be on the first plane to Chicago handling my affairs which include shredding every page of my journal, smashing my cell phone, and destroying everything in my top right dresser drawer. 

13) Do I need to call a professional?

Therapist. Attorney. Plumber. Mechanic. Therapist. Therapist. THERAPIST. 

14) Do I have time for this? 

Additionally, how can I make time for that? There are 168 hours in a week. Are you using each of them wisely? What tasks can you delegate to others to give yourself more time? Budget your time like you budget your money. They're the same thing, right?

15) Does my (relationship, friendship, job, body etc.) make me happy?

Life is too short to be miserable with things you can change. Nearly every problem has a solution and if you can't figure it out yourself, there's someone else who can. Calm the hell down and ask somebody for help.

16) Am I too old for this?

With age should come wisdom...so stop doing the same dumb shit you did when you were in your teens and twenties. Sorry, but it's time to stop shopping in the juniors department. Adult clothes don't come in odd sizes so no, you don't wear a size 7, you 36 year old woman. If you have to get your suit off the rack, at least have it tailored and take that 100% wool tag off the sleeve. You're also too old to: get pregnant on accident, fight in the club, and post twerk videos. Act your age...you know the rest.

17) Will these small purchases keep me from getting the big thing that I really want?

A running joke among Target shoppers is going in for toilet paper and coming out $300 poorer. STAY AWAY FROM THE RED TAGS!!! At some point, impulse buys hinder your ability to do things you really want to do: buy a house, go on a fabulous vacation, get new boobs. Saying no to the little things means you can say yes to the big things. 

19) Do I really like this bitch?

We tend to hold onto friendships long past their expiration dates. Call it nostalgia, but no one wants to end a 20 year friendship even when it should have ended 19 years ago. Sometimes, it's best to end things on a grown apart note. If you don't, you may end up hating someone you once loved dearly. 

20) How will I feel afterwards?

Do you really wanna look through that phone? Take that 6th shot? Have sex without that condom. Eat that Big Mac. Ask that question? I'm all for living in the moment but adulthood is about consequences...and knowing them before you act. Whatever you do, understand that you might find a text from her other boyfriend. You might get a DUI. You might contract an STD. You might gain weight. You might hear no when you wanted a yes. Be prepared for the outcome.    

I ask myself a lot of questions, I tend to talk to myself...often. Shut up, it's normal. I'm far from perfect and so are you and so is he and so is she. It isn't that difficult to admit this to ourselves but doing something about it is where we tend to fall short. It's ok to want to do better. Promise.