1) There are germs EVERYWHERE!!!
I spent the first part of my career in a classroom full of snotty nosed creatures who came to school with disgusting colds. I decide to give that all up only to find out that these disgusting children grow up to become disgusting adults. STAY YOUR SICK ASS AT HOME!!!! We get a ridiculous number of days of PTO. We can do our jobs remotely. People still show up looking like walking death infecting half the office through the recycled air we're forced to rebreathe. I keep a big ass bottle of Purell and Clorox wipes but my next step is wearing a face mask. I avoided illness for nearly three years while I was uninsured (OBAMACARE BITCHES!!!!) and two weeks after I start working from the office, both my child and I get the flu. I call bullshit. Truly, as an HR professional, I blame managers who penalize people for using their sick days. STAY YOUR SICK ASS AT HOME!!!!
2) People really steal lunches.
I seriously thought this was an urban legend, but there are people who will walk their asses into the break room, open the refrigerator and grab the first thing that's available. I was a victim. I wanted to walk around to every single desk and check every single trash can to find the piece of shit who stole my Lean Cuisine panini. Who the fuck does this? How do you sleep at night knowing that you've eaten food that very well may contain someone else's saliva...which is what will be going into every item I put into the refrigerator from now on. I also decided to label my food. hashtag: passive agressive
3) I'm one social event from becoming the Black Friend
I'm the only black person who comes into the office everyday. Well, there's me and the cleaning lady...who I haven't seen in a while...hmmm...holy crap!! There could only be one of us and she had to go...damn. That's fucked up. Anyway, everyone needs a Black Friend. We're really cool. We're great dancers. We know slang. Plus, we make it okay for people to say racist things. "I'm not a racist. I have black friends!" So far, so good. No one has asked to touch my hair...yet. I'm pretty sure things will change when I get my summer braids. Sigh...
4) Bodily functions are no longer controlled by my body's needs
I've spent the past 2 1/2 years being able to fart and shit when I want and my body is NOT happy with these office constraints. How in the hell do you people do it?!?! My bowels are very regular and they're about to stage a coup against me. Yesterday, I tried to leave the office to go pass gas out where no one would know it was me and of course, someone asked me where I was going. I had to quick-lie and say CVS and of course the bitch needed to get cotton balls and potato chips and vaseline so she jumped up and went with me. I just want to be at home where I don't have to use toilet paper on the seat and I can go with the door open so I don't have to pause my music. Speaking of music...
5) You can't do shit but listen when your song comes on
I have a Jodeci playlist on Pandora. Currently, What About Us is playing. No body rolls. No singing. No funk face. No nothing. All I can do is sit here and listen to them sing "Shooby doo wop shoo doo wop I wanna love you" and I CAN'T JOIN IN!!!! In my opinion, listening to music is a participation sport that requires your en...holy fucks!!! Roni just came on!!!! I can't even do the rap at the end!!!! Bobby Brown deserves to have his music sang loudly!!! So. Much. Sad. I've taken to singing behind my hand but that doesn't hide the faces I make when my joint is on, nor does it keep me from looking like I'm about to have a seizure because my body goes into autoroll. I think I may have to start listening to Beethoven or something.
I need to convince someone to let me work from home again. I think I would be much more productive without all of these distractions...
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