20 Questions to Ask Yourself in 2014

Every day, I strive to become a better person than the day before.  This is very difficult, as I'm a pretty awful person as demonstrated by my previous post. I'm in a constant struggle to adjust my behavior to make it suitable for social interaction but it seems that some people are under the very incorrect impression that their flaws are acceptable and that everyone else should accept them, too. Nah, son. That's not how this works, you really need to make sure your life is right or at least improving. Don't worry, I'm joining you.  Here are 20 questions you (I) need to ask regularly ask yourself (myself) to keep your imperfections in check and be a better person

1) Do I sound crazy right now?

When you're having a discussion with someone and they look at you like you're crazy, you've probably said something irrational, illogical, or just plain nutballs. I get this look all the time. I'm learning how to stop myself before it happens, then write it down for a future blog post.  It usually makes sense after I write it down and tweak it for others to understand. 

2) Am I doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result?

You do realize this is the very definition of insanity, right? Do you want to lose weight but eat the same foods? Do you want to meet new people but go to the same places? Do you want a promotion but do just your job, nothing more, nothing less? If you want something to change, THEN SOMETHING HAS TO CHANGE!!! 

3) Am I really that nice of a guy?

Nice guys don't finish last. Pushovers do. Being a nice person is just that, nice. What else can you bring to the table besides good manners? Name one job where being nice is a requirement...I'll wait...THERE AREN'T ANY!!! How many times have you encountered a worker who wasn't very pleasant so you complain to their manager, come back to the same place six months later AND THEY STILL WORK THERE!?!? No one cares how nice you are because 9 times out of 10, you're probably not all that nice in the first place. 

4) Why don't I have any female friends?

Some women love to brag that they don't have any female friends. You, ma'am, are the problem. Being a good friend knows no gender so it's quite likely that you're an asshole. No, really. It's you, not them. 

5) What do I want to be when I grow up?

Perhaps you've found the perfect career and want to be an optometrist until the day you die. More likely than not, you will grow bored of kids cheating on their eye exams because glasses are cool now and want to drop kick every dipshit that comes into the office refusing to believe they need bifocals. It might be time to move on. You don't have to drop thousands on a new degree (like I did). Take some classes, find out if your current employer allows internal transfers, get a hobby. If you love your field, mentor newcomers, learn new techniques, teach a class but NEVER STOP GROWING!

6) When was the last time I used/wore this?

A friend of mine gives me a year. I say two. Longer than that? Throw/give it away. 

7) What have I done for someone else without the expectation of reciprocation?

Quite simply, are you doing things for others just because? Are you teaching your children that there's more to life than what someone can do for them? It feels good to do nice things for others and if it doesn't, go seek help. You might be a narcissist. 

8) Where am I going next?

Get up and go! Take a weekend trip. Go to that exotic locale. Don't waste your sick days on actually being sick. Plan a vacation and go see something new. If no one wants to go with you, go alone. Just. Go. 

9) What will I read next?

Oh. So you don't read. It's probably why you don't know the difference between you're and your and why you think it's an escape goat. Read a fucking book.

10) Am I talking about it or being about it?

The same wise friend from before once said that everyone knows eating right and working out equals weight loss but unless you actually eat right and work out, talking about it is meaningless. Words without action will get you nowhere. 

11) What's my status?

In 2014, no one should be unaware of their HIV status. Get tested. Now. 

12) If I die tomorrow, who is in charge of deleting my hard drive?

My best friend knows she better be on the first plane to Chicago handling my affairs which include shredding every page of my journal, smashing my cell phone, and destroying everything in my top right dresser drawer. 

13) Do I need to call a professional?

Therapist. Attorney. Plumber. Mechanic. Therapist. Therapist. THERAPIST. 

14) Do I have time for this? 

Additionally, how can I make time for that? There are 168 hours in a week. Are you using each of them wisely? What tasks can you delegate to others to give yourself more time? Budget your time like you budget your money. They're the same thing, right?

15) Does my (relationship, friendship, job, body etc.) make me happy?

Life is too short to be miserable with things you can change. Nearly every problem has a solution and if you can't figure it out yourself, there's someone else who can. Calm the hell down and ask somebody for help.

16) Am I too old for this?

With age should come wisdom...so stop doing the same dumb shit you did when you were in your teens and twenties. Sorry, but it's time to stop shopping in the juniors department. Adult clothes don't come in odd sizes so no, you don't wear a size 7, you 36 year old woman. If you have to get your suit off the rack, at least have it tailored and take that 100% wool tag off the sleeve. You're also too old to: get pregnant on accident, fight in the club, and post twerk videos. Act your age...you know the rest.

17) Will these small purchases keep me from getting the big thing that I really want?

A running joke among Target shoppers is going in for toilet paper and coming out $300 poorer. STAY AWAY FROM THE RED TAGS!!! At some point, impulse buys hinder your ability to do things you really want to do: buy a house, go on a fabulous vacation, get new boobs. Saying no to the little things means you can say yes to the big things. 

19) Do I really like this bitch?

We tend to hold onto friendships long past their expiration dates. Call it nostalgia, but no one wants to end a 20 year friendship even when it should have ended 19 years ago. Sometimes, it's best to end things on a grown apart note. If you don't, you may end up hating someone you once loved dearly. 

20) How will I feel afterwards?

Do you really wanna look through that phone? Take that 6th shot? Have sex without that condom. Eat that Big Mac. Ask that question? I'm all for living in the moment but adulthood is about consequences...and knowing them before you act. Whatever you do, understand that you might find a text from her other boyfriend. You might get a DUI. You might contract an STD. You might gain weight. You might hear no when you wanted a yes. Be prepared for the outcome.    

I ask myself a lot of questions, I tend to talk to myself...often. Shut up, it's normal. I'm far from perfect and so are you and so is he and so is she. It isn't that difficult to admit this to ourselves but doing something about it is where we tend to fall short. It's ok to want to do better. Promise. 

Five Things I Really, Really Love

Disclaimer: I was about to post about Richard Sherman but decided that I wanted to keep my blog a happy place and not cuss anyone clear the fuck out so I proceeded with my previously planned post instead.  Happy Hump Day!!

So far, my postings have been lists...I promise that won't always be the case, but as I was considering topics for this week, I kept coming up with ideas that involved me complaining about things that bother me.  I don't want to be that person this year, so I decided to shift my focus for at least this post...I can't give you sunshine and rainbows all year long mostly because bitches be pissing me off and shit but I'll try for this week.  Today, I'm a happy camper and I want to share what makes me feel good. *hint: It's not bacon...well, it is...just not on this list.

1) Making plans

I LOVE TO PLAN SHIT!!!  Give me an event, a theme, and a budget and I will plan the shit out of it down to the very last detail.  Vacations, parties, and grocery lists are treated with the same care.  Most of this stems from my need to be in control of everything and my inability to not buy stuff.  I currently have a Mardi Gras themed birthday party and a vacation to Morocco in the works.  I don't know why I don't do this for a living...probably because I get bored easily and my child would starve when I decide planning stuff isn't what I feel like doing right now.

2) Inside jokes

A friend of mine can say "27 seconds" and I will laugh like a fool.  We are the only two people who know what it means and it makes me feel really good to share a secret with someone.  Inside jokes are the best thing to ever happen to friendships and I'm juvenile enough to find comfort in laughing at something other people don't know.

3) Dresses and open toed shoes

I have 54 pairs of open toed shoes.  I have maybe 7 pairs of boots.  I know I live in Chicago.  I know I can get more wear out of boots than a peep toe stiletto.  I DO NOT GIVE A SHIT.  I also have more dresses than sweaters. Who gon' check me?!?!?  If you invite me to an event where dresses are an option, I'm buying a new one. I have enough dresses and shoes to outfit a freshman class of girls for their high school homecoming dance...in a small town, of course. Look at my happy smiles!!!

DRESSES AND TOES!!!

4) True Crime Shows 

I can get away with murder. Like, literally. I've watched enough Investigation Discovery to pull off the perfect crime. I've seen every episode of Snapped. I can pinpoint where everyone goes wrong and know exactly how to avoid these pitfalls. Fortunately, I'm not a sociopath, but if I had slightly less emotional connection to others, I'd totally be a serial killer...one who never gets caught. Jen the Ripper. 

5) Popping pimples

I will extract the shit out of your blackheads so don't fall asleep anywhere near me if you've got untreated acne. I've got a medicine cabinet full of facial treatments and tools: Biore strips, benzoyl peroxide, scrubs, masks...giggety. I swear I get all tingly at the sight of a perfectly ripened zit ready for me to squeeze. It's gross but I don't care. I'm popping. 

This list was pretty difficult to narrow down...I had to leave off the obvious things: sex, bacon, wine, beer, football, Gouda. I love all of those things...I should do this again. I love a lot of shit.

Ten Trifling Facts About Me

My best friend vowed to keep me laced in topics so she sent me a video called 10+ Triflin Facts Abt Me by the hilarious Jouelzy. I am NOT trifling so of course, I was offended...nah...she's right, this topic is absolutely perfect as I am trifling as shit. I have no qualms about it, qualms are for punk ass bitches. Instead, I embrace my trife, try to do better, and hope God forgives me when I inevitably fail.

1) I report posts as spam or inappropriate if I think it's stupid, we go together and too many chicks like it, or I just don't like you. 

DO NOT JUDGE ME!! You're just mad you didn't think of it first. I know I could block or unfollow but no one asked you for your mature, unpetty solution.

2) I intentionally antagonize churchfolk when they start acting all high and mighty about their Jesus and church and salvation and the bible and stuff. 

I grew up a COGIC kid. I know The Lord. I love Him just as much as the next sinner but when churchfolk start acting up, I find it quite amusing to go all atheist on their asses. 

3) I also antagonize my mother-un-law. 

She's a crazy person. She deserves it. My favorite move is to say something I know will set her off then remain eerily calm and logical whilst she screams and rants and whines, then respond to her using my soothing kindergarten teacher voice.  It's pretty awesome.

4) I'm a certified scofflaw. 

My car has been booted more times than I should ever admit. I never pay meters. I park in tow zones. Permit parking? If I live in this city, why should I have to pay to put my car on it's streets. I hid my car in my driveway, parking lots, and valets for two years on the boot list. The Department of Revenue can eat a fat one. 

5) I'm mean to children and animals. 

Pets can't talk and kids don't understand when I'm insulting them. Now you know not to ask me to be your sitter. 

6) If you DO leave your child in my care, I WILL allow them to do whatever they want. 

Fruit snacks and milkshakes for breakfast? Jump off the couch onto a pile of pillows? Write on the walls? Scary movies? Yeah, I'm not saying no to anything they ask. 

7) I used part of my savings to buy new boobs instead of paying off my car a year early.

Just in case you were wondering, my breasts are both silicone and stunning. 

8) I wash my dishes on an as needed basis. 

And by "as needed" I mean my kid is tired of eating her cereal from a cup and with a fork or the stench is so horrendous, I'm worried the smell will seep into my pores every time I walk into the kitchen. 

9) I have taught my child the 5 second rule to which she firmly adheres.

Yes...I let her eat Skittles off the floor so take your damn shoes off when you come into my house.

And finally...

10) I blamed Santa for eating all of my daughter's oatmeal raisin cookies. 

I sneaky ate an entire bag over the course of a week and on Christmas Day, I left the empty package on the table for her to find. Yes. It was premeditated.

I could probably list a million more trife ass things, which makes me both sad and proud at the same time.  I'm pretty comfortable with my imperfections...I try to do better but the petty keeps calling me back.  Question is: Are you comfortable with your trifling ways? Tell me, what is one trifling fact about you?  If you leave a comment, I'll try...um...promise not to judge.

And So it Begins...

Instead of resolutions, I decided to call my 2014 life changes goals.  I did not come to this decision lightly, as I detest people who do things differently for the sake of being different. It is NOT my bornday, it is my birthday.  It has been for 34 years.  Bornday sounds like a new Matt Damon movie.  No…stop…no. I digress. I set some goals for myself and the first was to blog weekly.  I’m not a writer by any stretch of the imagination nor do I pretend to be.  I have a great deal of respect for those who can pen a tome for a living, put their heart’s words on the line for pay.  I’m not that person.  I’m simply a girl with a big ass mouth and very few people to make me shut up.  I enjoy sharing.  I also enjoy knowing that I have your undivided attention, even if only for a few moments.  Now that you know why I’ll be forcing my latest blog down your throat weekly, I shall begin with…

The Most Foolish Discussions I've had in 2013

I try not to suffer fools. I really, really do. I make it a point to not spend much time in a pointless conversation with people who have no desire to either hear what I have to say, accept that we can have differing opinions and still get along, or are in no place to understand a word that comes from my mouth.  A few moments stand out in my mind and I still struggle to forgive myself for the amount of time I wasted on these conversations.  I want those moments back.  I know I can’t have them, so I’ll share them with you.  There was that time when…

I had to explain that making $10 an hour is reason enough for me not to date you.  I spent more time than I should have on this one…mostly because I don’t even know anyone who makes $10 in real life so I truly believed the conversation to be a cruel joke that would end once I said the magic word.  I never figured out the magic word.  I made $11 per hour in 1997, I’m not even sure where one would find a job paying $20,000 per year in 2014.  Am I an elitist? Probably.  I also have grown woman bills and can’t think of a single time that I’ve found myself attracted to someone working at McDonalds. I don’t care what you say, a grown man living in poverty at 40 years old is NOT the man for me.  Y’all can keep that struggle shit.  Be mad.  Call me a gold digger.  Say I’ll be lonely for the rest of my life. MY LIGHTS WON’T GET CUT OFF, THOUGH!!!! I am too damn old to be in a Good Times relationship.  Why can’t we be the Jeffersons?  I won’t delve into the sociological implications of being okay with living in poverty, we’ll cover that in another blog.  Just know that I will not take you seriously if you like being poor…unless you’re fine and you cook good…which means you will be serving me breakfast in bed in nothing but an apron, Tims and a chef hat.  I will eat and watch you do pushups.

There was also the time this chick tried to insist that DD breasts are the same size no matter the band size. BITCHES LIKE YOU ARE THE REASON STORES DON’T CARRY MY SIZE!!!!!  How do you not know everything there is to know about two masses of fat/silicone/saline/muscle protruding from your body?!?  36C is the most common size NOT because that’s what most women wear, it’s because it’s the size most women BUY.  Look, broads.  Can you please make your New Year’s resolution to go get yourself fitted for a bra? NOT at Victoria’s Secret either.  Take your ass to a department store, buy a measuring tape, go to a specialty bra shop that carries more than just their own brand. DO SOMETHING!! Do NOT tell me that women who wear a D cup shouldn't wear a balconette or demi just because YOU equate a D cup to being plus sized.  Spend some time getting to know your breasts in 2014.

How can I forget the argument with the idiot about the looseness of vaginal walls? This very well might have been the most illogical discussion I've ever had in my life and I regret every moment of it…actually, it helped me to understand how one fool can spread stupidity like the plague.  Let’s start with the premise: A woman is a ho if a man can’t feel her vaginal walls when they’re having sex. Seriously?!?!  HOW FUCKING LIKELY IS THIS TO HAPPEN?!??! The average size of a newborn is 7.8 lbs in weight and between 14 and 20 inches in length.  The average size of a penis is 5.6 inches. Vaginas stretch during childbirth AND THEN SHRINK BACK TO PREBABY SIZE, give or take a few millimeters.  If your penis gets lost, it might be that it’s just very tiny or you suffer from erectile dysfunction and your flaccid member isn’t going full throttle.  Perhaps you should stop telling people you couldn't feel anything. I’m not sure how the population continues to grow because men spend a great deal of time talking themselves out of pussy.

Finally, there was that time I had to explain to a “Christian” why Kim Kardashian is not a gold-digging ho.  Is she opportunistic? Oh, most definitely.  Is she a gold digger? Not a chance.  Is she a ho?  Not even close.  She’s an attention whore whose personal life has been intentionally put on public display so that every single thing that she does is amplified by a million.  She made a sex tape. Um, haven’t you? You haven’t? How sad. The ONLY reason it’s a big deal is because it was released (I refuse to say leaked…leak implies accident).  Sure, she became a household name because of it and now, you can’t keep her name out of your mouth.  Sounds like she’s winning the very game she set out to play.  I've learned that EVERYTHING makes a woman a ho these days: multiple visible tattoos, owning condoms, having sex with someone.  Kim Kardashian is a shrewd business woman using what Allah gave her.  Guess what you are?  A hater who gives away what’s made Kim K millions.  She’s had public relationships with rich men…goes back to my first stupid argument. WHY WOULD SHE WANT A BROKE MAN and why wouldn't HE be considered a gold digger?  Isn't the point of life to improve the quality of it?  How would dating Pookie off 63^rd and his mama’s basement be an improvement? She dated while she was married. SHE WAS SEPARATED!! Y’all gone leave big booty Kim alone.  Jealous bastards.

2014 will be different.  I won’t be having pointless conversations with people.  Instead of trying to deliver an articulate and logical argument, I will stare into their eyes and ask one simple question: Do you know how crazy you sound right now? I can’t waste too much time trying to convince people how absolutely wrong they are about everything that I’m right about.  I’m fully aware that no one is right about everything all the time, however, I’m not no one.  I’m me. Yes, I know how crazy I sound right now.